Thursday, 28 August 2008

America's #1 Retarded Brand Name

First of all, I'm going to discuss a brand name that has been grinding on me since I saw it advertised in a bus stop. It's American, which doesn't surprise me, because I'm British and this is the sort of stereotypical nonsense I've come to expect from our cousins over the pond. It could just be intentionally humorous and I could just be missing the point, but I prefer to believe it's not the case.

Trojan Condoms.

The ad was for their 'Her Pleasure' variant which showed a girl who was quite clearly dead. She was very pale, her eyes were closed and her mouth was hanging open. Trojan Condoms call themselves "America's #1 Condom" and claim to be "trusted for over 90 years".

You'd think in almost a century, someone would have pointed out that Troy was quite possibly the most famous successful infiltration in history. The Achaeans knocked out a sweet wooden horse which they hid in and presented as a gift to get past the gates, and then they bust out and slit up the Trojans while their guard was down.

Everyone knows that story which, incidentally is fucking ace, even before the shitty film. Trojan Condoms is as retarded a name as Hindenberg Airlines, Auschwitz Gas Company, or a Princess Diana Special Edition Mercedes with a GPS system that stops you from entering France.

And, like everything in America, they have larger versions, which they call Magnums, because every American knows how cool guns are. Then they have the Magnum XL, for guys with really big egos. However, they don't have a specific size listed, which leads me to assume that most Americans are poorly endowed, which means that the larger Magnums are roughly equivalent to the normal Durex sizes we have here. It's pretty evident that most American men are compensating with their 7ft wide, 3 miles to the gallon SUVs for driving to the office, and it also explains why Durex is only the second most popular brand in the US, with Trojan taking a whopping 70% of the market, clearly they like to be reassured by their supposedly larger prophylactics.

Not that I mean to make any sweeping generalisations about Americans or their genital issues.

I Have Returned!

After a lengthy absence, I have finally decided to take up the art of writing bullshit again.

I'm sure you remember, (and by remember I mean never ever read,) my fantastic article on draining swimming pools with biscuits. That was me, but I've lost the password for that account, so I sadly can't continue with that.

Now that's out of the way, I'm going to say as little else personal bollocks about myself as possible and do my best to keep things interesting.